Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Alcoholics Make the Best Friends

In your twenties, it's important to surround yourself with good friends. I’m so lucky. I have the best friend any gal could ask for. We'll call her Jane. She’s funny. She’s pretty. She’s an Alcoholic. Most people think that alcoholism would be a detriment to our friendship. In your twenties, I think it’s what keeps our friendship alive! I’m not an alcoholic. I just support my friend who is. Alcoholics make the best friends! Who else would you feel comfortable enough with to order a Bloody Mary, or three, at brunch? Alcoholics see each day as a celebration. As a twenty-something, that’s the kind of positive attitude I want to surround myself with. *Jane can turn any rainy day into a parade. Your dog ran away? I’ll bring the chardonnay! You caught your boyfriend with a hooker named Mimi? Let’s go get a Martini! Abortions aren’t fun...So I brought you some Rum!
Alcoholics are the funnest friends! Some friends never want to go out. “Let’s just stay in”, they’ll say. You’ll never hear that from your boozing BFF. Not only will they want to go out, but they know all the best spots! You’ll never have to compete over guys when your best friend is an alcoholic. *Jane is the best wing-girl. Even if she doesn’t know it. She just wobbles up to any hot guy and starts slurring to him. My cue is to swoop in when he makes her laugh and she starts to snort. It’s not always a snort. Sometimes it’s a vurp (that’s a vomit burp combo). All I have to do is walk up, start talking to the hot guy, and stand next to her. When you hang out with an alcoholic, you seem to be the better catch. By the end of the night, I’m the one going home with the hottie! *Jane is totally cool with giving me all the hot guys. By morning, she doesn’t even remember talking to them!
Drunks are so humble. It doesn’t matter how shit faced I get, with *Jane by my side, I look more together. If I ever do anything embarrassing, she takes the bad attention off me and puts it on her. Like when our friend *Kevin took a picture of us and my boob fell out of my top, * Jane flashed her vagina. Nobody remembers seeing my boob because they all saw *Jane’s vagina. Little things like that, show me how important it is to have a good best friend around that’s an alcoholic. Some of our friends try to change her. They tell her she makes a fool of herself, or that they’re worried, or she “needs help”. People can be so quick to judge. Ugh, Save it for our thirties! I tell Jane all the time that she is perfect just the way she is. And if she ever get’s down, I just buy her a round! God it's great to be a twenty-something!